Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Kimmie E's Guide to New Year's Resolutions-Chopped & Screwed

After you've taken off your freakum dress and 5 inch-nobody-designer-heels you begin to sit and wonder how you can re-vamp your life for 2008. You develop a list of rhyming words like "I'll be great in 2008", or "don't hate in 2008". Blah blah blabbity blah! Just stop! Resolutions don't resolve a damn thing and I have the proof, cuz' you know I speak the truth (see the rhyming is contagious in the new year)! Let us begin the chopped and screwdness of the oh so famous new years baby and its shitty resolutions!

1. The "I-wanna-loose-weight" resolution- Ok, ok, ok...people this NEVER works. Why? Well maybe because it takes dedication, concentration, and destruction of the natural self! Who wants to be a butless size negative 2 anyway? Not I! The reasons why you should lay this to rest are as follows, a) that food is nasty and it costs entirely too much money and it tastes like flavored cardboard, b) by not using carbs, sugar, or salt you are commiting a sin and it's probably against the law, c) you
shouldn't have been eating so much in the first place! Resolution Chopped and Screwed- if you still wanna loose weight, I suggest lipo and trimspa, its easier on the eyes, and you know you can't give up those chicken boxes and half and halfs that easily!

2. The "ima-be-abstinent" resolution- Lets just get down to it. A) unless you have a religious conviction or have caught an STD (or STI) in the last 6 months, you can't succeed, b) people might start thinking your gay, c) you might start thinking your gay (not that being gay is taboo or anything, hey if you're gay you might start thinking that you're straight). Resolution Chopped and Screwed- buy some condoms.

3. The "ima-stop-cussin" resolution- oh shit! A) See it never works, b) damn, c) shit! I just dropped my kick on the floor! Resolution Chopped and Screwed-only curse when something bad happens.

4. The "ima-stop-drinking-and-smoking" resolution. I would just like to point out that you most likely got drunk on December 31, a) getting drunk is fun and you know it is, b) NICOTINE is a DRUG and all your going to do is get addicted to the gum, c) you'll just find a substitute to smoke, like a black clove, and we all know how substitution goes. Resolution Chopped and Screwed- wait until you graduate from college
because that's when it becomes a problem lol

5. The "ima-get-straight-A's" resolution- Well, well, well...a) you're
not, b) you're not, and c) you're not. Sorry, but you're not, with all that loosing weight, smokin, drinking, and buying condoms your gonna be doing, getting straight A's is just as far-fetched as getting famous on myspace (or is it?). Resolution Chopped and Screwed- settle for a 2.0, it keeps me grounded

6. The "ima-get-super-duper-fly" resolution- Ha. Hahahaha. Ha. Right. a) studies have shown that fly/fresh is a gene, b) its hereditary, passed down from parents to children only, c) if you haven't done it now, its damn near impossible. Resolution Chopped and Screwed- Go buy some
citizens and pretend that that's all it takes.

7. The "ima-get-wifed-up" resolution- OK, a) you make yourself sound
desperate, b) who wants to be married before your actually married, c) how old are you again? Right, that's what I thought-it won't last...duh. Resolution Chopped and Screwed- everyone is single in college, remember that.

8. The "get-out-of-debt" resolution- a) For starters I thought we had to owe white America money in order to establish credit, b) student loans...HELLO, you will be in debt until the day you die, and c) you probably owe your sisters' baby's father's niece 100s for all the weed you've been smoking! Resolution Chopped and Screwed- debt is your friend, they give you the 6 month grace period after graduation for a reason, to stop smoking, be abstinent, and to save all that money to pay back your loans!

9 and 10...just live life and get your hair done, and a new tattoo, its the best kind of self help you can get these days!


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