Tuesday, May 27, 2008

10 things yo mama told you 2 do that u aint do or did do...yea

me n momma

Often times we all wonder how in the hell we ended up in the mess we are currently in. For example, we often ask the question why our nail beds are fucked up, why we are still talking to that wack negro, why we're not making any money, and even why you can't seem to wake up on time for that class you signed up for...all of these problems arise from not listening to the woman that birthed us! As the old saying goes-mama knows best!

1. mama always told me, "look both ways before you cross the street"-this may seem like a dumb one to have on here, but hey, this is an important ass rule that most of us do not follow, and how do i know that you don't follow it? Because if you are able to almost get hit by a car on a ONE WAY street then you must not be looking in any direction but straight ahead! The grim reaper seems to be standing right at the one-way street sign waiting for the next dumb young person to step out and get their leg chopped off by an oncoming pepsi truck.

2. mama always told me, "don't get fake nails"- ok ok ok i love my acrylics! i fuckin love them and il cut a bitch if she's resposible for breaking one of my precious lime green tipped beauties, but once they come off, my real nails are in absolute shambles! aaaaah! Mama knew what she was talking about when she said once you get them you can't stop...if I would have never gotten them, I could save 13 dollars every 2 weeks for a fill in...

3. mama always told me, "don't drink and drive"- now I don't drive period, so this doesn't go out to me, but seriously folks, I thought the cops taught you this too...who really wants a DUI? You do my drunken friend, you most certainly do! Don't die off of that tequila son, what would we do next weekend without your car? lol

4. mama always told me, "don't eat after 9pm"- and to think I laughed at this rule...now I sit here wondering why my trues fit me a little snug and why my little jean mini makes my ass look like it should be sliding upside down on a metal pole screaming for one dollar bills...and i soo dont do one dollar bills...its all about them quarters shawty

5. mama always told me, "don't accept gifts from boys, cuz they will want something in return"-"oh mom he doesn't want anything from me, Johnny Appleseed loves me!!!" How dumb and naive we were to think that Mr. Appleseed only had apples on his mind....hmmm...so J. Appleseed gets you that nice ass Gucci shit that is the must-have for the summer, and you think to yourself, he's perfect! he buys me Gucci blah blah blah...and then you get in that bedroom and you feel obligated to give it up because he bought you Gucci blah blah blah...mama knew you couldn't put a price on the pussy, cuz it doesn't have the same net worth as a Gucci...it's worth a Chanel, everyone knows that...lol

6. mama always told me, "don't put pictures of yourself on the internet"- I'm just going to put this message that I just received via myspace up...I got this message probably as a result of my pictures...and I'm not even naked in them lol...

"hey sweetie i aint tryna holla at you or anything but im throwin this pool party in a lil bit and i was wonderin if i sent you a invite would you show your face cause i need all the good lookin woman i can get lol but hit me up if you wit it and ill remeber to hit you with the info aight"

so apparently my pics make me look like the most dumbest bitch in the universe, right? can we say delete? nigga I dont know you and you can't even spell remember correctly...NEXT!

7. mama always told me, "count down the days to your period"-hahahahaha, I know half of us don't count, if anything, you let the birth control count for you, and you find yourself having a perfectly great day in the middle of nowhere and all of a sudden the imaginary clouds come in, rain pours, you get a killer attitude, a sharp pain in your abdomen, and you have to rush to a port-a-potty to get a unexplainable amount of tissue and then make up some lie about "allergies" or a "headache" to get to a rite aide as soon as possible...cheaaaa

8. mama always told me, "don't listen to your fava (dad) he's on crack..."- So the man probably was not on crack, but didn't your mother act like he had some undercover addiction to something and that even if he said the sky was blue (which it is), he would be wrong about it because its actually "sky blue"...lol. Well I listened to him, too well, and where did I find myself? In an anonymous living room smoking a j at 4am with 3 other people discussing world politics and how global warming effects your sex drive...what? yea? Thanks dad, your responsible for every good time I have in college that mom didn't want me to have! lol

9. mama always told me, "don't tell the white people that you get spankings..."-or they'll take your ass away, which is why I'm currently living in a group home in Alabama with my step siblings Mary and Bobby...lol, naw, but I did tell my mom I was going to call child services on her when I learned about it at school in like Grade 1...and as a result I got another spanking...lmao

10. mama always told me, "don't lie!"- this is a biggie. I probably lie at least once a day, thank God it's not one of the 10 Commandments-or is it?-i havent checked Exodus lately...but yeah, white lies, black lies, pink lies, rainbow lies..shit we all lie, all the damn time...and it gets us into trouble, and eventually we don't even know what the truth is ourselves-cuz we lie to ourselves..now isn't that deep? yea...i thought so...food for thought

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